Reason #209 – I killed Elmo

Posted on Jan 16, 2012 | 3 comments

He had it coming.

He had it coming.

He only had himself to blame.

So I killed him…

…and then I desecrated his corpse…

…and then I left it out for his brothers to find.

NOTE: the following image may offend some people’s sensibilities. Click at your own peril.

Reason #208 – I prefer a bag of twigs to my son

Posted on Jan 12, 2012 | 3 comments

My kid is going to have so many issues… so far in his short life he has already been neglected so I could spend more time with the Internet, a murder mystery book, two Swedish girls (one of which is heavily tattooed and pierced), wedding inspiration boards, doing dishes, and even photos of him.

Bet you’re thinking pretty ill of me right now.

Well, what if I told you I chose a bag of branches over my own flesh and blood?

Because I did.

Look! Such a beautiful bag of branches!

Reason #207 – I make a mockery of Christmas AGAIN

Posted on Dec 17, 2011 | 5 comments

My Christmas behaviour has not been great the last 2 years, but this year I’ve really gone and done it. Like little Susie Derkins said: “Santa is gonna skip this block for years.”

You see: I didn’t get anything for my kid’s first Christmas because he was barely 10 weeks old, and last year I gave him only half a Christmas present.

But this year?

This year I bought absolutely nothing for him.

Whisky sour, AT&T style

Posted on Dec 8, 2011 | 5 comments

Yesterday was gonna be the day my blog made its glorious return to the airwaves.

I had a blog post all thought out and everything. Reason #207: I spit on my son’s face.

All we had to do was to plug in our modem at 8pm, type in the magic words, and SHAZAM! We’d be back online!

Sha-fucking-zam, it so didn’t work.

On free wine, Margaritas, and a runaway platypus.

Posted on Nov 18, 2011 | 4 comments

We have a winner for the amazing California Wine Club giveaway! This lucky girl will get one free wine delivery, and if it’s anything like the wines they’ve sent me, she’s in for a treat.

But before I announce the winner, let’s talk about moms and booze.

The word on the street is that moms DESPERATELY NEED enjoy a BOTTLE glass of wine EVERY DAY every now and then, ahem. Yet in this here community of Caltech moms I seem to be the only lush who actually goes for the wine (or beer, or whisky, or rum…) on a daily basis.

This will not be tolerated!

So what if all but 2 of my friends are either pregnant or breastfeeding? That should leave me with at least 2 drinking partners!

Reason #206 – I give my son yet more material for psychotherapy

Posted on Nov 16, 2011 | 7 comments

It is a widely known fact that I write this blog as therapy, both for my own sanity and for that of other moms out there who might be tempted off the ledge by the knowledge that I’m out here, being worse than they are.

It is a perhaps less known fact that I write for my son’s eventual therapy, of which I’m sure he will need lots. You see, instead of wasting years jogging his memory for reasons to hate me and blame me for all his shortcomings, C will just have to Google a bit and say: “You see, Doctor Finkelstein, it all started with Reason #206.” Or 153. Or 117.

My poor kid.