Reason #17 – I stop loving my child at 9:30 pm
Reason #17 – I stop loving my child at 9:30 pm
Jun 07I’m not proud of this.
Ever seen Gremlins? I have no idea how this happens, but if C stays awake after 9:30 pm he turns from a golden, smiling cherub into a screechy, hideous troll. It’s frankly terrifying.
As a conscientious owner mother I do my best to prevent this transformation, and on a good day we’ll go to bed at 7:00 pm with a big bottle of formula and some Bon Iver. After a few minutes of cuddles and songs C will drift into sleep like the angel he is, his eyelashes grazing his rosy cheeks, his pouty lips curled into a blissful smile as he dreams of puppies and sunshine.
Of course, if your life is anything like mine you’ll know “a good day” happens very seldom. On a normal day, 8:00 will find us out and about: stuck in traffic, visiting someone, doing a last hurried bit of shopping because someone forgot to buy TP. Hey, it happens.
At this point I hide anything that can be even remotely used a weapon. Sharp objects, heavy objects, rope-like objects, anything that can be wielded like a bludgeon is carefully tucked out of reach.
By 9pm the transformation is well underway, and my former angel is channelling Jack Nicholson in Tim Burton’s Batman. He cackles maniacally at everything; any attempt to restrain him, my exasperated snapping “Enough already!”, the occasional smack on the rear (oh yes I’ve been there) only make him laugh more. At the slightest opportunity he’ll spit out his bottle and dash off blindly on all fours, hellbent on having every last bit of fun left in the day. Luckily around this time he often runs out of steam and disintegrates into a pile of rubble on my lap, arms and legs dangling, his head falling back in an unnatural position like a little Pietá.
Sometimes I am really unlucky, and the clock strikes 9:30 before C has managed to fall asleep. Then my baby (my beautiful angelic boy!) goes into full-on Gremlin mode, flopping about like a fish out of water, his head frantically reaching for the hardest surface available while his feet jerk about aiming for my softest spots.
If he manages to make contact with a hard surface, it will be quick and dirty and over soon: it makes no difference if he bashes his cranium against a concrete wall or merely grazes his forehead against a bedpost, he will SCREAM BLOODY HOLLERING MURDER for about twenty seconds and then suddenly go out like a light, snoring through his open mouth and drenching the duvet with drool. Not a pretty sound, not a pretty sight.
And if he manages to make contact with a soft surface… well… that’s when I’m glad there is nothing at hand I can use as a weapon.
I said I was not proud.
I do not miss those days though I equated my son more with the tasmanian devil than a Gremlin.
Michelle Saunderson recently posted Everyone is Home
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New Bad Mom Post:Reason #17 – I stop loving my child at 9:30 pm. Read it now! http://1000reasonsimabadmom.com/17-i-sto...
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Glad my little Bear isn’t the only kiddle who laughs at a smack on the butt. But damn, its annoying that it doesn’t phase them. Then it’s even more fun for them to watch Mommy throw her arms up in exasperation.
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ofthesea Reply:
October 12th, 2010 at 7:09 pm
Isn’t it the most annoying thing on Earth??
A friend of mine gave up on the bum smacking long ago. She now swears by a sharp rap on the head. She’s a SAHM of 3, so I trust her on this one!
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Ack!
My older daughter and I had some terrible times when she was first born (read . . . first year of her life). I haven’t written about those times much as I was all delusional and sleep-deprived for much of that year. Ugh.
But with Kallan, my younger daughter . . . oh my goodness, that screaming you describe that comes right before she falls unconscious into her bed? I remember that I grew to LOVE that hysterical horrific part of the evening, because it meant that it was almost over. A few minutes of hell, and then blissful quiet.
Motherhood is harder than they tell you.
Annoying secret-keeping bitches.
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ofthesea Reply:
October 7th, 2010 at 1:37 pm
Secret-keeping bitches indeed!
The REAL manual to motherhood:
- Pregnancy is annoying and you will lose any shape you ever had. Deal with it.
- Labour is scary, C-sections are risky. Deal with it.
- Breastfeeding hurts like a BITCH, and no matter how long you do it someone will give you hell. Deal with it.
- You won’t get a decent night’s sleep for the next few years. Deal with it.
- Anything you say/do/think will be used against you in court. Deal with it.
PS. Don’t worry, it is ALL worth it.
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This was absolutely the best so far!!!! Makes me think of my daughter when she is up late and we have been all over, sometimes her without a nap! We used to do bed at 7:30 now we are up to 8:30. Much later than that and I get a little miss grumpy! The other night she was watching a video and if I didnt replay it she threw a fit so finally I just put her down and out she went.
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ofthesea Reply:
August 10th, 2010 at 9:54 am
Oooh yes, babies with no nap become extremely volatile.
HANDLE WITH CARE.
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My C’s bedtime is even earlier – lately as early as 8 (he turns troll like by 8:30) which makes evenings so freaking hard because we have 2 short hours to squeeze play time, dinner, bath, bottle, cuddling, story time, etc into before he turns into a baby no one particularly likes to be around. I was laughing hysterically at this post – part because you are so funny and part because I can SO relate. Thanks for making my friday afternoon!
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ofthesea Reply:
June 18th, 2010 at 3:27 pm
Hey! Great to see you made it to our new address!
You are putting me to shame: “play time, dinner, bath, bottle, cuddling, story time, etc”?? One day soon I’ll get around to writing about our bedtime routine, and I’ll quote you I swear.
That said, I *wish* C would get sleepy that early! Lil nite owl will do anything to stay up till gremlin o’clock, and in 2 days we’ll have jetlag to add to that. Wish me luck!
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What are the problems with Gremlins or screaming trolls? I don’t see anything wrong with your son’s behaviour now, but wait for a few years…that will be a nightmare…
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mofthesea Reply:
June 8th, 2010 at 9:16 am
Good point. It’s time to stop discriminating against those poor trolls and gremlins – they have feelings too!
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