Reason #18 – I nearly got us kicked out of swimming school

Reason #18 – I nearly got us kicked out of swimming school

Jun 08

C has been taking swimming lessons since he was 4 months old. It’s good for his development, it will drastically reduce his risk of drowning, and – most importantly – it is necessary for him to fulfill my lifelong dream of being a surfer. What do you mean, I’m not supposed to make my child do all the things I always wanted to but couldn’t/didn’t?

Last week I got a call from swimming school: the kids were going to have a short evaluation followed by a get-together to celebrate their progress, parents were bringing snacks, could I bring some disposable plates? (Yes, this is where I stole C’s food.)

A test? Why weren’t we told sooner?! So much to study, so little time! I immediately got C cramming for this surprise evaluation; we practiced every day in the bathtub, me singing swimming songs while he splashed about with his ducks.

His crawl stroke improved considerably, but his underwater turn was still a bit weak. More practice! I made him get up earlier in the mornings to swim a few laps before daycare, and added weight training to his afternoon schedule. We considered shaving but decided a bodysuit would do – if it’s good enough for Ian Thorpe it’s good enough for us.

Finally, Saturday came. C woke up in an excellent mood, crawled a few miles on the treadmill to limber up, and drank his protein shake in two gulps. We got to swim school 15 minutes early to get in the pool before the other kids and secure the best lane. We could smell the gold.

And then things started going wrong. VERY wrong.

When the teacher was grading “Child uses arms to splash” C decided it was just the right moment to chew on a plastic shark, which had to be carefully held with both hands to ensure optimal chewage. Not a drop was splashed.

For “Child kicks when s/he wants to move forward” C went for the baby monkey grip and wrapped his legs so tight around my ribs I still have bruises. I suppose it was the only way he could hang on to me, since his hands were still glued to that %$#@ shark.

He recovered some ground on “Child jumps into the water with open eyes”, because he jumps into anything with open eyes. Shame he didn’t get extra points for singing the Superman theme before jumping.

“Child hangs on to the edge of the pool” was a bitter failure, mainly because instead of hanging on he was reaching for the toys stored beyond the pool’s edge. What do you mean there are no points for ambition? Does this swimming school encourage mediocrity?

But that’s not the reason I am complaining to the Olympic Committee.

Towards the end of the test the teacher chirped “OK, now let’s see those kids make some bubbles!” Bubbles? BUBBLES? Excuse me, miss, but “bubbles” are not in the syllabus you gave us. We never saw “bubbles” in class, unless you happened to teach “bubbles” while we were away… but we borrowed a classmate’s notes to catch up and there were no “bubbles” at all. You never told us “bubbles” were going to be in the test. If we had known you were going to test “bubbles”, we would have bubbled twice a day for at least a week. This is not fair! I demand a recount! I KNOW PEOPLE WHO KNOW MICHAEL PHELPS!*

…what do you mean, I should leave the premises?

(Actually things got even worse, but I think my appalling behaviour in the last part of the swimming test deserves another post and a number of its own. )

So C got one of those fluffy evaluation cards with stupid dolphin stickers that said something inane like “I can swim!”, and I got threatened with a restriction order.

At least the ice cream was good.

*I actually do, how cool is that?