Reason #32 – I use my baby as a scapegoat for funny noises

Reason #32 – I use my baby as a scapegoat for funny noises

Jul 10

I was brought up by a supremely self-possessed and elegant grandmother, who taught me that a lady should always be a paragon of beauty and grace. A bona fide lady should NEVER make any undignified noises (let alone smells.) To me, this is a truth as indisputable as the sky being blue.

Yet ladies have (the horror, the horror!) digestive systems just like those less fortunate human beings known as “men”, who because of their lowly condition are in less of a pickle when it comes to the odd toot.

For centuries, ladies have resorted to all sort of mechanisms to deal with this mandate, from “Please excuse me while I go powder my nose” to the double-edged Ninja Toot. Our generation, thanks to Women’s Lib and all that, has come as far as acknowledging the fact while NEVER admitting responsibility: “My word, what did that dog eat today?”

But I don’t have a dog.

So, while I will NEVER admit to having a digestive system (the horror, the horror!) there is a chance that you may see me fan myself conspicuously while saying in a slightly shocked, yet perfectly ladylike manner: “My word, what did that boy eat today?”

It’s a fortune that he’s a mere male; otherwise I might have been forced to buy a dog.

…and now I’ll leave you to find at least 6 things wrong with that last sentence.