Reason #104b – I am dooming my boy to a lifetime of insomnia
Reason #104b – I am dooming my boy to a lifetime of insomnia
Oct 29Apparently, if I don’t let my son cry until he vomits and then fall asleep in a puddle of his own puke*, he may never EVER be able to sleep well on his own.
Sod that.
Everybody knows that my son is the best and bravest baby ever. But he’s a baby, and every few weeks he goes through a phase of bad sleeping. Teething? Growing pains? Night terrors? Demonic possession? Your guess is as good as mine.
Everybody knows by now that if I don’t get enough sleep I turn into a murderous shrew who will flay anyone who stands between her and her beloved memory-foam pillow. Ask any of my exes. It’s a wonder my boy is still alive.
And now everybody knows that we tried the famous and much-praised Ferber Method, and that it resulted in projectile vomit and no sleep. What now?
Driven to extreme measures by lack of sleep and parental anguish, I tried everything and anything. Aromatherapy? Check. Soothing nature sounds? Check. Whisky? Check. Duct tape? Check. A swift blow to the head with a blunt object? Check. Don’t tempt me.
Finally, I found something that works for me and C. I am not recommending this to anyone, I will not write a book on the Ofthesea Method and become rich (more’s the pity) and I will not listen to any criticism. It effin’ WORKS, and that’s it.
Here’s how it goes:
1. Bedtime routine: warm bath, quick haphazard dab soothing massage with lavender-and-chamomile-scented lotion, PJs on, lights down.
2. Gently put C in crib with a bottle of lactose-free milk straight from the fridge. Sometimes, this will be all that’s needed.
3. If he whimpers, say “shhhh shhhh” in a soothing tone. Sometimes, this will be all that’s needed.
4. If he cries hysterically (and especially if he does this with eyes still closed,) take him out of the crib and place him next to me on my bed with his bottle. When he’s asleep, put him back on his crib. Sometimes, this will be all that’s needed.
5. If he wakes crying a second time, repeat step 4. Sometimes, this will be all that’s needed.
6. If he wakes up crying a third time, bring him to bed with me and leave him there for the rest of the night. It does not happen often, and it will ensure we both sleep until 6am at least.
Does this mean he will never learn to self-soothe? Does this mean he won the battle of wills against me? Does this mean I’ll never be able to have sex again? Does this mean he will still be crawling into my bed when he’s 10? We’ll see.
Right now, I’m getting at least 6 hours of sleep every night, and that is all that matters.
Now please excuse me: I must heed the call of that little memory-foam temptress.
Coming, sweetheart!
* He will surely learn that in college. No need to start this early.
Okay, so you already know that my two never kept me up at night. First child was broken of waking at night to nurse after I read some where that I should “fake” her out by slipping her a bottle of water instead of my boob at the ripe old age of 6 weeks. I know, she could have starved to death, but it worked after only two tries. And she lived. The boy slept like a log, but i bribed him with the coolest beds and fancy bed covers. And a giant mastiff puppy who did the cuddling on the bottom bunk until he got so big that the boy had to move to the top. Sadly, no, devastatingly, said mastiff was struck by a car and taken from us. Collective broken hearts. The boy showed up in my bed and never left. The bribes returned. A fabulous Ikea bed with really cool “boy” bed covers was slept in all of maybe 3 times over the course of a year. I am a crap single mom as well with a giant king size bed and the boy was almost a teenager so I really didn’t mind. That’s wrong, I know. Then a new platform bed and yet more cool bed covers showed up one day. I never saw the boy at night again. Ever. He cut me off just like that. I pleaded. I bribed. Now I just keep clean folded laundry on “his” side of my bed. Maybe I should find a Scandinavian!
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ofthesea Reply:
November 19th, 2010 at 9:42 am
This was a brilliant story! can I have your hand-me-down cool beds?
And let me tell you, Scandinavians are the way to go! Hubba hubba!
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I deal with the middle of the night wake the same way. Here’s your cold bottle of milk and snuggle him between my hubby and me in our king sized bed. I’m blissfully back to sleep in a few minutes, so is he, and my hubby knows when he wakes up in the morning because I’m at the gym. It’s a win-win.
BTW you are incredibly funny!
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ofthesea Reply:
November 9th, 2010 at 5:27 pm
That sounds blissful for all involved.
And thanks! :)
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Hey that works for me too!
As long as I get some sleep that is all that matters in the end… doesn’t matter if I have one child kicking me in the rib and the other head butting me on the other side LOL
And don’t worry they eventually get into a rhthym and sleep on their own.
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ofthesea Reply:
November 1st, 2010 at 7:59 pm
I’m not so happy about the punches and headbutts – he manages to hit me in the face more often than not and it HURTS!
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Glad you found something that’s working for you! Sleep is such a hot topic in the world of baby parenting isn’t it?!!!! Every mom/family and baby is different and you gotta find what works for you. Now come on little man… let’s try for 7 hours next week! :)
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ofthesea Reply:
November 1st, 2010 at 7:44 am
7 hours sounds great! Here’s hoping!
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Payton’s three now and lately I’m spending more than half of the night pushed up against her cold, hard wall. Don’t be so hard on yourself my love, you need to do what you need to do to survive. Sleep? That’s one of those things that we need.
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ofthesea Reply:
October 30th, 2010 at 9:31 pm
Exactly. Like some wise person whose name I forgot once told me: “pick your battles.”
Was it you?
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Goals of the day in descending order:
3. Work
2. Get child to school
1. Get child to sleep
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ofthesea Reply:
October 29th, 2010 at 9:10 pm
Hope they were all reached successfully!
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That sounds almost exactly like my nightly routine with Mia. WHATEVER WORKS!!! :)
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ofthesea Reply:
October 29th, 2010 at 12:14 pm
My motto exactly: “Whatever (the EFF) works!”
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My children both co-slept with us in our bed until the age that I just couldn’t stand them there anymore. For my son it was about 8 months, he was a real wiggler. Sometimes I would have to lay my leg across him so he couldn’t wiggle in order for him to settle down to sleep. We tried letting him cry it out but he also vomited. For a long time I had to read bedtime stories and then lay there with him while he settled down, but at about age 2.5 he would tell me ‘you can go now’ and go to sleep on his own. It doesn’t last forever, enjoy it while he’ll let you! Now I’m not even allowed into my son’s room. He will be 13 in a month. I just took my 15 yo daughter for her first driving lesson yesterday. It seems like it will never end when they are toddlers and little kids, and then all of a sudden, you have a house full of teenagers.
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ofthesea Reply:
October 29th, 2010 at 12:16 pm
He said “You can go now”? I LOVE that boy!
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You’re doing great. Kids eventually prefer their own beds. Just takes longer with some.
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ofthesea Reply:
October 29th, 2010 at 12:18 pm
Ah, but you know C’s mattress is filled with broken glass and live scorpions…
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Funny, I do the same thing with my daughter! It is not every night but she does have her nights. I dont think she will be sleeping with me forever but for now if it helps her on the occasion it happens, I am more than willing to snuggle with her. ESPECIALLY since I cant get her to sit still and snuggle at any other time of the day lol.
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ofthesea Reply:
October 29th, 2010 at 10:24 am
Shush! People are going to think I do this because I enjoy cuddling with C!
Perish the thought!
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Thats usualy what we end up doing. Except I crawl into bed with the kiddo. I can tell you C at 10 will most likely NOT still be in your bed, because I did the same with my now 10yr old son and that boy sleeps like the dead in his own bed.
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ofthesea Reply:
October 29th, 2010 at 9:01 am
That’s what I’m hoping for: “sleeps like the dead in his own bed”!
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