Reason #150 – My son’s swift descent into addiction
Reason #150 – My son’s swift descent into addiction
Apr 12Trainspotting has always been one of my favourite movies, but that doesn’t mean I wanted to see my very own child reenacting Ewan McGregor’s role in real life.
Take note, mothers: Cheese Puffs are even worse than heroin.
It all started at a party. All of his friends were scarfing cheese puffs down, and he was feeling left out. In spite of all my warnings, he had his first puff.
The high was immediate. The boy was hooked.
He was not the same after that fateful cheese puff. I would find him at all times of day and night with an orange-stained face and a vacant stare, high on cheese. He quit daycare, flunked playgroup, lost all interest in his jungle wallies.
I knew things were really bad when we visited our Austrian neighbours and he didn’t even try to kiss their blonde 8-month-old daughter.
I tried to make him stop, but he kept telling me he had it under control and he could stop at any time.
Then he ate another cheese puff. And another.
His duplo train got cobwebs and his animal farm went bankrupt. And yet he would not stop eating those puffy orange scours of humankind.
At our wits’ end, we finally staged an intervention with help from the Dane, the neighbours’ girl, his friends from daycare, Kaj the Frog, Pøsser the Dog and even Monsieur Giraffe. While licking the last remains of orange dust from his stained fingers, C finally admitted he had a problem.
We took him to Betty Ford’s baby clinic, where he completed a thorough detox.
We thought he was cured.
We were wrong.
The next time we were invited to a birthday party, C fell off the wagon the second he got a whiff of artificial cheese dust.
“But why, baby, why?? You have so much to live for!” I pleaded.
And he replied, in a thick Scottish accent: ”I choose not to choose life. I choose something else. And the reasons? There are no reasons. Who needs reasons when you’ve got heroin cheese puffs?”
aww. love this!! i absolutely adore the movie trainspotting..i would marry sick boy in a heartbeat! and C is too cute even if he is suffering from his addiction. =(
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ofthesea Reply:
September 17th, 2011 at 9:52 am
I was more of a Renton gal, even with McGregor in that dilapidated state…
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I, too, suffered from the Cheese Puff addiction, so I relate to your little C.
There is hope, mom. I am Cheese Puff free for about 5 months now.
One day at a time as they say….
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ofthesea Reply:
April 24th, 2011 at 8:14 pm
God grant me the serenity…? ;)
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What is it with the cheesy-poweder-covered-shit that they love so much? Why does it have to be so hard to wash out of clothes?
Theresa recently posted This is Me…
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ofthesea Reply:
April 24th, 2011 at 8:14 pm
Why do you think he eats them naked?
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Theresa Reply:
April 24th, 2011 at 10:40 pm
Ha, fantastic, why didn’t I think of that???
Theresa recently posted If These Walls Could Talk They Would Scare The Shit Out of You…
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If it’s good enough for Brangelina’s kids, it’s good enough for the gorgeous C.
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Well, he has chosen a vice that is hard to keep hidden. Orange teeth are like track marks. Not much in the way of cover stories.
Also, this will come in handy for you when the battle of the vegetables begins. I am actually parsing out goldfish, one damn fish at a time, for each green bean my guy consumes. It doesn’t feel like very good parenting, except in that it, you know, actually works.
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ofthesea Reply:
April 13th, 2011 at 6:00 pm
GodDAMit, that is good advice!!!
C looooves vegetables at the moment, but you never know when they’ll turn into picky little shits. I hear it happens overnight. *shudder*
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That’s my kid, Mark II. She’s a FIEND for hot Cheetos. She joneses for them in the middle of the night!
Serene recently posted Ham with Freakin’ Awesome Sauce
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ofthesea Reply:
April 13th, 2011 at 6:01 pm
What? She’s in deeper than C!
Time for an intervention!
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Serene Reply:
April 13th, 2011 at 6:03 pm
She says hot Cheetos are not cheese puffs, so it’s got nothing to do with her. Denial is not a pretty thing.
Serene recently posted Ham with Freakin’ Awesome Sauce
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Well, it’s either cheese poofs, and fat, or heroin, thin, and eventual heroin story novelist. I guess since you’re in America now, you’ve opted for fat.
Anne-Marie recently posted Why I Am A Motivated Student Yet Have Not Studied
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ofthesea Reply:
April 13th, 2011 at 6:03 pm
When in Rome…
I’m doing my part by tucking into Trader Joe’s triple chocolate mini bundt cakes. Home of the brave indeed!
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I have a similar reaction to Cheez-Its. Don’t know what they put in them, but once I start eating them I can’t stop!
Jo recently posted Warning – Having children can seriously damage your health
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ofthesea Reply:
April 13th, 2011 at 6:03 pm
That’s me and pistachios.
Which reminds me that I bought a bag today.
Excuse me for a minute, I’ll be right back! ;)
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PAH! I have the mexican toddler counterpart to your blonde blue eyed addict. Damn that cheese dust!
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ofthesea Reply:
April 13th, 2011 at 6:04 pm
Let’s not get them together lest they murder us to steal our wallets and go get more of the good orange stuff!
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I’m not understanding how this is a problem…
I spend my days consuming those delightful, puffed dreams, and look at me! I may be a tad overweight, but I’m happy as hell with the orange smudges that surround me.
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Kandice Reply:
April 12th, 2011 at 3:05 pm
AND it stops the screaming.. if only briefly.
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ofthesea Reply:
April 13th, 2011 at 6:05 pm
Is Rob still around? Ask him to check if you glow in the dark after eating a bag of the orange dope!
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