Reason #152 – I leave my toddler unsupervised in the bathtub
Reason #152 – I leave my toddler unsupervised in the bathtub
Apr 27Ever since we got a bathtub we give C a bath every night.
And ever since we got a bathtub I also leave him unsupervised in it pretty much every other night.
For whole minutes at a time.
Go on, call the cops.
Putting C to bed is a delicate operation that requires skill, stamina, and military precision:
While the Dane supervises C’s bath I get a bottle of milk ready (yes, he still uses a bottle to go to sleep, SO?), close the blinds in C’s room, turn on the humidifier, dim the lights, close the door so the room steams up nicely.
Then I get C’s jammies and night diaper and place them on our bed, ready for the nightly conjugal power struggle dressing the boy.
I then rush to the kitchen to get a fresh bottle of Parental Vitamin Juice for the Dane and I, and finally we’re ready to start the show that is putting C to bed.
(Yes, we do this every night. Especially the beer wine Parental Vitamin part.)
It works really well when the Dane is home.
Alas, he is not home early every night. The man has things to do, like work or sports, and I’m happy to cover up for him a couple of nights a week because it means I get to go to knitting club or salsa lessons in return.
When the Dane is not home I plonk C in the dry bathtub and start the water running, before I start running myself:
I get the milk and check back on C. There is maybe an inch of water, not even enough to float his rubber duck.
I close the blinds, start the humidifier, check back. Two inches, some bubbles. All toys afloat.
Dash for PJs and diaper, dash back. Three inches of water and now C’s really getting into a naval battle – the toys seem to be giving the shampoo bottles a run for their money.
Sprint for beer, walk cautiously back because good people do not spill beer. Four inches and a proper maelstrom. The Kraken has been released! Both toys and shampoo bottles have succumbed to the fury of the elements, but the boy is fortunately still very much alive. Phew.
My inner ostrich seizes all of these opportunities to fill me with dread as soon as the kid is out of my sight: What if he managed to knock himself unconscious with the shampoo and is lying face down in two inches of water? What if he bit a chunk off his rubber ducky and is choking on it? What if the faucet suddenly started gushing blood? What if Norman Bates is stabbing him?
All in the time it takes to fetch a beer from the fridge and open it.
Being a bona fide bad mom, I don’t stay in the bathroom; I try to reassure myself:
The rubber duck has proven to be indestructible. They should start making furniture out of that material. Heck, they should start making houses out of it.
A quick research on “How long can you go without oxygen to the brain before you have brain damage?” says anything from 3-5 to 6-9 minutes, with a caveat about how young kids are more resilient. And while Caltech postdoc housing is cute, it is certainly not palatial – the only way I could last 3 minutes going to the kitchen and back would be if I dragged myself on the floor while hogtied and with an axe stuck in my back for good measure.
(Maybe I need to stop watching horror films when the Dane is not home?)
Still, I know, leaving a child unsupervised in the bath, jeez, what am I thinking? Send in Child Services.
Just one last thing before they throw me in jail: Norman? Our bathroom has glass doors. Screw you.
If you can be this funny every time you take a teensy writing break, then permission freely granted.
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ofthesea Reply:
April 28th, 2011 at 9:08 pm
Aw, thanks! I fully intend to return to the 3 x week schedule, tho!
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You are not alone! My 3 year old takes a bath with my 6 year old. When I have to run out of there, I think…yeah, the 6 year old should be able to watch him for 2 minutes, right? I always get scared that I’ll be wrong. I whip around the corner every time relieved that they’re both still there. I should just stop leaving, right? Tsk, tsk.
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ofthesea Reply:
April 28th, 2011 at 9:08 pm
Ah, but sometimes a mom’s gotta do what a mom’s gotta do… even if kids are soaking in the tub!
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Bath time is so much more fun for everyone with a a little Parent Juice. :) Also, I totally do the same thing. I run into the living room to grab a diaper while my 16 month old sits in the tub and I feel like the worst mother ever. I don’t even have a big house…literally the diaper box is about 10 seconds away. I have three kids and they have all surived these sprints and yet I still feel like I am tempting fate.
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ofthesea Reply:
April 27th, 2011 at 10:43 pm
Goodness knows we wouldn’t bathe him so often if we were not fortified with vitamins! ;)
And damn, do you mean it does NOT get easier with later kids??
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My inner ostrich got the best of me on this one too. To allay all the screaming in my brain, I get V to sing the alphabet song to me. She loves it, as it means she can shout. Nothing like a toddler splashing in the tub doing a spoken word version of the ABCs *g*
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ofthesea Reply:
April 27th, 2011 at 10:44 pm
I’d try this if C knew a single song in its entirety. As it is, he sings the first few bars of several, but nothing that will do for life-supporting purposes.
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……I’m sorry, he is still on the bottle? WTH kind of Mum are you?
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ofthesea Reply:
April 27th, 2011 at 10:45 pm
Hey, how else am I supposed to get the melatonin into him!?
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I drank Vitamin Juice last night before going to my son’s school to meet the teachers for next year.
Naturally this year’s teacher stopped me in the hall to talk as I breathed my wine breath all over her……
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ofthesea Reply:
April 27th, 2011 at 10:45 pm
I don’t look forward to meeting teachers with a beery breath. Playgroup is bad enough already…
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Wonderful! It’s like i was reading a memoir of my own after school events! Love the humor! Can’t wait to read the next post!!!
How do I procure some “vitamin juice” lol
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ofthesea Reply:
April 27th, 2011 at 10:46 pm
We are getting ready to launch a line of “Bad Mom” products including a “Mom’s vitamins” item. In the meantime just go to your nearest Target and get it by the box ;)
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Ok so it took me until my girl was amost five and a half (like two months ago) to leave her in the tub by herself..so I was a bit ostrichy in that way…but she is seriously lucky if she gets more than two baths a week! How do you do it every night?!? I might have to take off some of your bad mom points!!! Haha. Or maybe it would be easier if I added in some of that parental vitamin juice to our bathtime routine.
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ofthesea Reply:
April 27th, 2011 at 10:47 pm
You got that right – the only way I manage to bathe C daily is thanks to the new Belgium Brewery. Bless their cotton socks, nothing comes even close to Fat Tire for making a mom nicer!
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Daisy Reply:
April 28th, 2011 at 12:45 pm
Yep — daily baths were easy (relatively) for us until our fella got old enough to actually need regular hygiene (he’s 4). Now, it is definitely with less-than-ideal frequency. And I have NO idea the last time I managed to convince him to hold on long enough for me to wash his hair. Aaaaand I am not above fishing the ONLY SHIRT he wants to wear out of his dirty hamper. I am raising a stinky boy.
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I do this — I don’t feel bad because in our apartment I’m never very far from the child, and the only time he’s ever slipped and gone underwater? While I was sitting right next to him.
Shit, I read a book while he plays with his toys.
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ofthesea Reply:
April 27th, 2011 at 10:47 pm
I read on my (brand-new, birthday present) Kindle. Did I say read? I play Sudoku in the damned thing!
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Daisy Reply:
April 28th, 2011 at 12:48 pm
And one day, sooner than you think, C will be old enough to co-opt the damn thing. My iPad was mine for about 3 weeks.
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All I can say is, you’re not alone. No Siree…
And Parental Vitamin Juice? Love it!
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ofthesea Reply:
April 27th, 2011 at 10:48 pm
Where would us moms be without our vitamins?
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I’ve seriously always wondered about all the “It takes less than a minute for your child to drown in the bathtub” adds I’ve seen. Seriously, how??
I’ve been known to run to get a forgotten towel, grab the camera from the other room, and what not. Unless there is an intruder waiting outside my bathroom door to attack me, there’s no chance any of my trips in my small single level house will take more than a minute tops.
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ofthesea Reply:
April 27th, 2011 at 10:48 pm
Norman is ALWAYS lurking…
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