Reason #153 – I inflict lasting psychological damage on my child

Reason #153 – I inflict lasting psychological damage on my child

Apr 29

Most parents save for their kid’s college tuition.

I save for my kid’s psychologist fees.

Let me start from the beginning…

C is now a frankly teenagey 18 months, and his temper has taken a turn for the worse. If things don’t go according to his (often unstated) wishes he yells, kicks, hurls himself on the floor, throws things. Not all the time, but way more often than we’d like.

I’m not sure how it happened the first time: I was out of the house for some reason, and when I came back the Dane – who, as you know, is a genius – announced that he had found a way to soothe C when he was restless. Amazing! My husband had discovered tantrum penicillin! Fame and wealth would be ours!

I pictured us sipping cocktails on a terraced lawn, fielding calls for talk show interviews: “Why Craig, we’d LOVE to be on the Late Late!”, “Aw shucks, Oprah, did you say Book Club?” while three hot young babysitters entertained C and us. This was going to be the greatest parenting breakthrough since time outs!

Then the Dane showed me this:

Uh-oh.

The way to stop a tantrum on its tracks is apparently to show C photos of himself as a baby so he can kiss them.

This cannot be a good thing.

And you know what the worst part is? It actually works.

(Don’t ask me how I know this. Or why I now always carry a large baby photo of C in my handbag. Or why it is all bent and slobbery.)

Talk shows are full of whingey people who blame their parents for all of their psychological issues. In C’s case, it couldn’t be more true. Maybe I shouldn’t let him go on Craig Ferguson’s show after all.

Damn. So much for fame and wealth.

Well, even if we cannot have the fame…

If you want to experience the soothing power of the Blessed Child’s image on your own family, send a self-addressed and stamped envelope and a check for $5 and we will mail you the Blessed Portrait of Peace and Splendor, guaranteed to stop tantrums and fill your home with an atmosphere of love and blessedness.

Collect them all!