Reason #168 – OMFG I think I just molested my son

Reason #168 – OMFG I think I just molested my son

Jul 20

I can hear the sirens, so let’s make this fast.

Every morning, when C wakes up, I fetch him from his room and bring him to our bed for a few minutes of family time. I try to get some snuggles (or a few more minutes of sleep), the Dane reads from whatever book C decided to bring, and we all love it.

Or shall I say, loved it. There won’t be many cuddles when they throw me in jail.

On the not infrequent mornings when C has had a pee leakage overnight, we strip him off the wet jams, change his diaper, and let him romp about in the near-nude. It’s not like he hates going around naked, and it’s definitely not like I hate seeing his little hams – the boy looks like an angel straight out of a painting!

Goddamn, the police is knocking at the door already.

This morning C decided to burrow under our duvet to hide, and I started playing with him from the other side of the duvet, patting him and trying to guess how he was positioned so I could tickle him.

Yes officer, I am aware that this is not the first time I fiddle with my son’s penis, and that I’m on the record for trying to rip his pecker off. I know I have the right to remain silent, but please let me explain, officer. This is what happened:

Me: “Ooh what’s this? A leg? An arm?”

Boy: *giggle giggle*

Me: “Awww, his little hand! Tickle tickle!”

The Dane: “That’s his weenie.”

Boy: *giggle giggle*

Me: “No WAY, look at the size! It is his hand!”

The Dane: “That’s his weenie.”

Boy: *giggle giggle*

Me: “Seriously, it’s his hand. Wanna bet?”

You see, officer, I honestly in my heart of hearts believed it was my son’s hand that I was grabbing/patting/tickling. How was I to even imagine the his diaper would bunch up at his crotch in the exact shape and size of a hand?

Ack, no! Not the handcuffs! I’ll go in peace, just don’t put me in handcuf-