Reason #170 – Barbarism begins at home
Reason #170 – Barbarism begins at home
Jul 27Get your pitchforks and torches ready, because you are going to need them.
Here we go:
I sometimes physically punish my son.
It’s not like I do it all the time, or even every day, but it has become a frequent enough occurrence to make me feel guilty write about. And if the Dane finds out about this, I’m dead meat.
Some history: when I was young, back in the Stone Ages, I entered the age of tantrums just like any other kid. I even remember throwing myself on the ground and arching my back as I kicked about. “Like a shrimp”, my grandpa said. I also remember my beautiful and elegant grandmother disapproved of my crustacean behaviour, so she administered what was common practice back then: a few well applied lashes from a leather belt smack on my rear.
According to family lore, I never did it again. I may be dumb but I’m not stupid.
Fast forward 30-odd years to one fine morning when my sweet baby was somehow replaced by a tiny fury thrashing on the floor, screaming like one of those high-frequency riot dispersing devices, and doing its best to land a few kicks on my shins in the process.
You’ve surely read about how when you’re confronted with a wild animal your body reverts to its most primitive attitudes. Fight or flight and all that, yes? I’m afraid I forgot all the Montessori books, the Baby Center newsletters, Dr. B’s advice, the Dane’s threats and my own good intentions in a rush of adrenaline and fear: I walked up to the little poltergeist, grabbed his thigh firmly with thumb and forefinger, and pinched.
The effect was immediate: the screaming and flailing stopped on on the spot, and a more ordinary kind of crying took their place. And since I know full well how to soothe a normally crying toddler, it was a matter of minutes before we were both calm and ready to go. No marks, no hard feelings, no tantrum.
If my son were a little wiser we would not have had to repeat this scene ever again. Alas, it takes him more than one stumble to learn.
I, on the other hand, am a grownup – at least on paper, - and it is my parental duty to look for more constructive ways to cope with the tantrums.
But goshDARNIT, it works so well!
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PS: I am not trying to bribe you into forgiving my totally inexcusable behaviour, but I’ll send some postcards to the first person to identify where the title of this post comes from. And then I’ll go back to my dungeon for being such a crap mom.
PPS: I am trying to not do it any more. I swear I am. Any and all advice will be welcome.
Shit. I think a good ass beating is what made me who I am. I have a job, I attend “said” job, and I have morals. Kids need discipline. A pinch is nothing compared to a spanking from my dad.
Rock on, lady. You’re doing a fine job.
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Eh…it passes. The Youngest, who is now 18, threw godawful, public tantrums at that age. During the tantrum phase, we learned which adults had screamers, which were childless and just how many older women seemed to forget what having a young child involved. The parent cohort would look at us with sympathy as we toted our vociferous toddler. The grandmotherly set glared quite fiercely. I always expected to find a police officer or DHS waiting at the mall doors.
Youngest is now a very tall and very delightful person. She no longer throws tantrums and only rarely threatens to commit acts of mayhem upon those who do not comply with her plans for world domination. Me? I am now a member of the older women cohort. No glaring, here. I always smile sympathetically at the parent of the screaming kid. I REMEMBER.
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ofthesea Reply:
August 2nd, 2011 at 9:48 pm
We will remember.
Sounds so momentous, we really should start a campaign! “No mom of a toddler left behind”!
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I have swatted my son’s adorable little tush once or twice.
So, I will throw no stones.
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ofthesea Reply:
July 28th, 2011 at 9:28 am
Oh, I do that all the time! Tush swatting is a form of affection in this house!
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“Barbarism begins at home’ a song by The Smiths circa 1985 off of their only number 1 album titled Meat is Murder…
And no pitch forks needed, remember I am the one who told you I finally had to resort to “biting back” to get my daughters to stop doing it…not hard mind you just enough to get their attention. :0)
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ofthesea Reply:
July 28th, 2011 at 9:29 am
I may be old as heck, but I still love the Smiths. And Morrissey. Luuuuuurve.
And don’t tempt me with the biting, have you seen how edible my boy looks?
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Hey no judgement here for sure. My “little angel” somehow learned the fine art of a full blown temper tantrum at the ripe old age of 9 months. Though I have not tried pinching (thanks for the idea) Now that my “little angel” is 18 months I have started a new tactic and encourage the tantrum….egging her on with comments like “go for it” “lets get it out there”, “If we’re going to do this, let’s do it right”….I have even physically helped her flail on the ground to really amplify scene. The result has most often been to interrupt the behaviour long enough calm the situation down a bit, and has even resulted in the little bugger laughing (whether at me or herself I don’t know). The only drawback….doesn’t work too well in public. Oh well….there’s always pinching lol Also….proud to be a bad mom – thanks for making it ok!!!!
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ofthesea Reply:
July 28th, 2011 at 9:31 am
9 months?! I would be dead or in jail by now.
The Terrible Twos are looming in our future, and if these test tantrums are anything to go by, life is about to get a LOT less fun in this house!
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You’re lucky it works!!!! Errrr…I mean…..
I’ve swatted and smacked my DD’s hand and bottom and all she does is laugh…unless I do it fairly hard (harder then I even feel comfortable with in my mommy rage) and even then it rarely grants the desired effect! However, I have found that shrieking like a banshee and throwing things (not AT anyone) seems to at least get her attention!!
And the title is from a smiths song! :) Even though I know I’m not first lol
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ofthesea Reply:
July 28th, 2011 at 9:31 am
“Shrieking like a banshee and throwing things”? You actually do that? XD
YouTube or it didn’t happen!!!
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There is a difference between abuse and spanking, FYI. Spanking is actually very controlled and emotionless (that is, except for your heart breaking). So if you are really mad, do something else.
Some kids only respond to a bit of physical pain. My son is one of them. I have tried EVERYTHING else, but nothing else works. I prefer to use pressure points, though: there are a couple nice ones in the hand and arm, not to mention the Vulcan neck pinch. Apply pressure only until the behavior ceases – and if you do it right, it will have immediate results. It’s subtle enough to be done in public, and doesn’t leave bruises, so it’s a win. :-)
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ofthesea Reply:
July 28th, 2011 at 9:32 am
I DEMAND specific instructions on how to perform that Vulcan neck pinch! Stat!
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Brenna Reply:
July 28th, 2011 at 12:01 pm
This video will give you a general idea of how it works.
Unfortunately, you have to be a Vulcan in order to cause unconsciousness with it. But it’s still painful, and it only takes minimal pressure to have an effect. And it kind of acts like a leash of pain – great for motivating/dragging the kid to his room for that timeout he doesn’t want but needs if he’s going to survive the next ten minutes. Heh.
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ofthesea Reply:
July 28th, 2011 at 2:41 pm
I tried it on myself, but my back/shoulders/neck are so tense that I’m apparently immune to its effects. Will test it as soon as chance arises!
It’s only because I love you so, that I’m not gonna tell you I think it’s ok. My mom was very anti-spanking, but when she was angry she would sometimes pinch — just could not restrain her frustration/helplessness. And I still love her. Lots.
Oh, and I would give you the advice that I use for myself, which is to think of whatever it is you do INSTEAD when you really really really want to smack your partner, but you are still in the flush of early romance with the Dane so I suspect that advice will not be helpful to you until C is several years older (and verbal).
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ofthesea Reply:
July 28th, 2011 at 9:34 am
When I want to murder the Dane and need to cool off, I ususally think about his.. um.. best features, ahem.
DEFINITELY not something I’d do about C.
But there are always baby photos to look at for the ‘awwww’ effect!
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Love the Smiths!
I like use the flick technique on my boys, ages 2 and 6. Usually on the arm or hand, sometimes on the ear if they are not listening. It’s a quick sting that leaves no evidence. Ha!
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ofthesea Reply:
July 28th, 2011 at 9:34 am
It’s all about inflicting quick pain and leaving no mark. We could give a course on police brutality! XD
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Take heart, the older they get, the less you have to resort to physical means of getting their attention. And like Carrie and the Bear said, I believe most of our generation were spanked or suffered some form of corporal punishment and are no worse for the experience.
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ofthesea Reply:
July 27th, 2011 at 8:54 am
Yeah, I suspect that is his main source of frustration: that he is almost 2, and able to do a LOT of things, but totally incapable of communicating yet. Poor kid… he just needs to wait it out.
Poor me – so do I.
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Meredith Reply:
August 10th, 2011 at 9:39 pm
^^^^^^^ THIS! ^^^^^^
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Meredith Reply:
August 10th, 2011 at 9:41 pm
I was actually replying to the above commenter about how we all got spanked. Just want to make it clear that we are all fine now.
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The title comes from a song by the smiths from the 80′s.
I am sure you are not the only one who has or will do this to their child. I admit i have done something similar as well in the past.
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ofthesea Reply:
July 27th, 2011 at 8:54 am
Win! Email me your address for the postcards!
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The Smiths! And I’m completely with you on this one! I always swore I would never spank my kids, and then I had a child… lol
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ofthesea Reply:
July 27th, 2011 at 8:55 am
Thanks! I was really afraid that you would all unsubscribe and turn me over to the authorities!
PS: send me your address for the postcards!
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My son gets a tap on the hand or the bottom if the behavior warrants it. Like if he is about to do or has done something incredibly dangerous. Like when he nearly pushed both my friend and I into a hot oven while we were shuffling our homemade pizzas around. I got spanked as a kid and it didn’t scar me for life. I do not agree with beating a child or always resorting to a smack but I honestly believe that society is incredibly soft on kids today. In the animal kingdom a momma lion will nip her cub if it is misbehaving. I know we aren’t animals and all but maybe there is some sort of wisdom there? (gets ready to duck the rocks and tomatoes…..)
(and I think the title is from a song by the Smiths?)
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ofthesea Reply:
July 27th, 2011 at 8:56 am
My logic is that if there is an immediate, unpleasant consequence, then the behaviour should stop soon – even dogs understand this, right?
Let’s duck tomatoes together!
And I already have your address, so expect more postcards soon!
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The Smiths of course !
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Ana Morales Reply:
July 27th, 2011 at 6:19 am
oh and by the way, welcome to the club of Barbarians ! LOL just to illustrate my daughter knows that “chinelo” means flip flop in portuguese, so all I have to say when she go wild is “do you want mammy to get the CHINELO?” works everytime and pretty much nobody knows what chinelo means, so I can use that whatever/whenever she decides to go crazy ! LOL yeah I am a bad mom too… :)
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ofthesea Reply:
July 27th, 2011 at 8:57 am
Thanks for the welcome!
And hee hee, back home we call them “chinela”…
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Carrie and the Bear Reply:
July 27th, 2011 at 12:45 pm
Brilliant! Must learn another language…..
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ofthesea Reply:
July 28th, 2011 at 9:32 am
That’s why I keep sneaking Spanish lessons into my posts!
Anne-Marie Reply:
July 28th, 2011 at 1:26 am
LOL! I thought it was just my Portuguese mother!! Except hers was a cork slipper. It was light and fluffy, but ow. . . she could make that thing cause pain!
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ofthesea Reply:
July 28th, 2011 at 9:28 am
It’s a mom super power! ;)
ofthesea Reply:
July 27th, 2011 at 8:57 am
Win! Email me your address!
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