Reason #172 – I strive to make my baby cry
Reason #172 – I strive to make my baby cry
Jul 29God I hate bedtime duties.
C is a fun-loving child, full of energy and mischief, and he is seldom willing to let the party end till he’s good and ready, so more often than not he struggles to put the “fun” back in “bedtime”, even though fun is clearly not intended to be anywhere near it (whoever heard of ”befudtime”?)
And that’s when I make him cry.
On a good night our bedtime routine goes like this:
- I tuck C in and give him a bottle of milk*.
- I read him a story or two.
- If he’s still not down after the stories, I sing a very boring song.
- If he’s still not down, I sing it again.
- If he’s still not down, I sing it again.
On a good night he never makes it to the end of the third repetition. It’s a damn boring song.
Beginning to end, it should take 20 minutes tops.
On a bad night, however, you can forget about 20 minutes – it ain’t over till the fat lady makes the kid cry sings.
C interrupts my reading, sings along through the songs, flips and flops on his bed, fiddles with his leafy canopy, makes funny noises with the bottle. The more I shush and tell him to be quiet, the rowdier he becomes. He gets his arm stuck between the safety rail bars. He entangles himself in the duvet, then cries for help, then jumps like a Mexican bean when I free him. He plays with his toes. He tries to take his jammies off. He really goes for the kill.
“Hee hee, silly mama, look how mad he gets! I wonder if she’ll get angrier if I do a somersault? Whoop! Ooh, it worked! She is sooooo pissed off! Hee hee hee!”
Time for a change of scene!
At this point I fetch my trusty and beloved doorknob child-proofer and swiftly clamp it on his door, before walking out and leaving him locked inside his darkened room for the express purpose of making him cry.
(How mean is that? Seriously!)
C starts crying pretty much instantly, and makes stiff peaks in a matter of minutes. When I judge he has paid enough for his sins it is the right moment, I waltz back into his room with soothing words and a little more milk*.
Fancy that: the scene has changed completely:
“Beloved Mama! Angel of compassion and sweetness, bringing comfort to me in my darkest hour! How I love you! I feel so warm and fuzzy now I think I’ll just curl up and slzzzzzzz….”
Much. Better.
So yeah, I make my kid cry on purpose.
Because it works.
Got any better ideas?
* I know he is old as the hills, but we haven’t been able to drop the nighttime bottle. Also, I haven’t had a chance to write about it yet!
** Please don’t mention that ^%$%^% book. It makes me hate myself for not writing it first.
What ^%$%^% book? You mean “It Ain’t Over ‘Til The Fat Lady Sings”?
[Reply to this]
ofthesea Reply:
August 8th, 2011 at 9:36 am
Nope, I meant the “go the %$#$% to sleep” book. It breaks my heart that I didn’t write it first.
[Reply to this]
Well not that pithy or funny but basically kids and sleep is my thing. I was hoping my thing would be something cooler. Like stealing Pitt away from Jolie. But c’est la vie.
I think there is a reason it’s called BEDtime and not SLEEPtime. Our job isn’t to put them to sleep, its to put them in bed. Whatever they choose to do once they’re in there (as long as they stay IN bed) is pretty much up to them. My 2 YO was puttering around in his crib for a good 20 minutes after I shut the door. But it’s all good because door shut = mom off duty.
But hey I’m not judging – if your boring song and angel of mercy thing works for you that’s coo!
[Reply to this]
ofthesea Reply:
August 2nd, 2011 at 9:51 pm
Gooddamit I LOOOOVE the way you think!!!!
[Reply to this]
WAAAH! What do you mean error? What? My pithy but funny and yet informative comment got deleted. Well…that…is…uncool :(
[Reply to this]
ofthesea Reply:
July 30th, 2011 at 2:11 pm
What the whaaa…? That sucks! I want the pithy/funny/informative comment!!!!! :’(
[Reply to this]
What is wrong with u doing that 2 your son!?! Im totally just kidding…had 2 mess with u cuz it was the perfect opportunity. Growing up I used the same method with my baby sister whom I was stuck putting 2 bed on a daily basis & it worked beautifully. Luckily I havent needed 2 go there with my own children yet but my 1 month old may turn out 2 b the child who wont fall asleep unless u take drastic measures…we’ll c. We moms gotta do what we gotta doin order 2 ensure our 3 whole hours of beauty sleep :) so if that makes us crap moms…sign me up as 1 too. This may b the best post Ive read yet…but its a close call.
[Reply to this]
ofthesea Reply:
July 30th, 2011 at 2:13 pm
Aw, really? Thank you! I’m still partial to the very old ones, but it’s good to know I still have it!
[Reply to this]
my methods exactly!! – well done :o)
[Reply to this]
ofthesea Reply:
July 29th, 2011 at 11:35 am
Why didn’t you tell me sooner, huh?
[Reply to this]