Reason #177 – I use the Vulcan Neck Pinch on my toddler
Reason #177 – I use the Vulcan Neck Pinch on my toddler
Aug 10Not too long ago I wrote a post about how I physically punish my toddler when he gets out of hand, and instead of turning me in to the authorities, my amazing readers suggested alternative methods of inflicting pain while leaving no marks. We should hold a seminar on police brutality.
Today I was in the process of cooking dinner when my freakishly strong and fast (and tall!) toddler swooped into the kitchen, stood on tiptoe and blindly grabbed something from the kitchen counter while I gaped in shock at his guerrilla attack.
And then I realized he had grabbed my freshly sharpened 8″ Knife
Momma instincts kicked in and I jumped to grab his wrist, but he swooped around in ninja fashion, turning his back to me so fast that I could swear I heard the blade sing and the drop fall
And then I had a brainwave: the Vulcan Neck Pinch!
Even thought this is a play-by-play description, the whole event must have taken all of 2 seconds.
0 to 0.5 seconds: I shot my right hand out and grabbed the kid by his right shoulder, right in the middle of the trapezius muscle, and I pinched pretty firmly.
0.5 to 1 second: To my great surprise, he stood perfectly still.
1 to 1.5 seconds: Using my left hand I took the knife and put it out of reach before releasing my grip.
1.5 to 2 seconds: C simultaneously started crying and asked for a hug.
Can you say win-win?
I disarmed the kid, left no marks and got hugs!
Spock really has it going on.
If you wanna call the cops on me, go ahead – it will be your word against mine. There are absolutely no bruises to speak of my evil deed, and the psychological scarring won’t show for another 10 years.
In the meantime, live long and prosper.
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PS: Let’s all celebrate Mr. Spock’s childrearing genius with this amazing video compilation of the Vulcan Neck Pinch in all its glory.
PPS: Many thanks to the lovely Cheezburger Girls for the permission to use their material! See you in the next BlogHer!
PPPS: let me know if you try the VNP on your kids! I’ll send a postcard to whoever starts a discussion about this in the Bad Mom community, because for some reason I can’t.
love it! we haven’t used the vulcan neck hold thing yet, but my hubby will grab my son’s by the top of their ear (old-school style) and yank them into obedience. it sounds hilarious, and really it is to watch it, but it works soooo well for little boys! they comply immediately. long live non-bruising parenting techniques!
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ofthesea Reply:
August 17th, 2011 at 10:41 pm
The good ole ear hold! XD Do try the Vulcan neck Pinch, tho – it totally paralized C!
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My husband is nice and short….I could totally try this. BUT, does it cure snoring? If not, then I’d rather just deal with the pain in the ass while he’s awake.
His snoring can be heard around the world. I think we have loose shingles from it!
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ofthesea Reply:
August 12th, 2011 at 10:25 pm
If I find the cure for snoring, I’ll get rich and retire. In the meantime, a’blogging we go!
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We had to remove the knife block from the counter when my son woke us up one morning with his drumming… He had gotten out 6 or 7 of the knives and was very proud of of the music he was making… Needless to say they are all locked up in the cabinet now. Hes 8 and is now learning to cut his meat with only butter-knives lol
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ofthesea Reply:
August 11th, 2011 at 2:59 pm
I’m gonna have to start doing that soon – he is WAY too tall for his mental age!
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Does the Vulcan Neck Pinch also work on husbands? I need to know. mine wants to go out tomorrow night.
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ofthesea Reply:
August 10th, 2011 at 9:43 pm
Give it a try and let me know – mine is way too tall to attempt it on him!
Sometimes I hate being a shrimp.
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ok, i guess now i can share the story i was talking about last night.
so, i’m cooking dinner and my son, who was 2 at the time, is standing on a chair next to me, “helping” me wash veggies in the sink. the knife block was on the opposite side of the sink from him, a good 3 feet away. i turned to get something out of the fridge, and when i turned back, he was on the counter pulling a steak knife from the block. it was at that moment that i made a mental note to never underestimate the speed with which curious toddlers can find ways of killing themselves. anyways, i yelled, “Jack, no!!!” and lunged for him, but he was faster than me and started to slide off the counter with knife in hand. i grabbed him from behind and tried to get the knife, but he jerked away from me, so i ended up grabbing his arm around the elbow. i yanked his arm back away from him and wrapped my other arm around his chest/neck/shoulder to keep him from grabbing with the other hand. i finally managed to pry the knife from his fingers, and when i put him down, you know what he did? the little butt LAUGHED at me, and then ran off. he thought this little wrestling match of ours was great fun. in the meantime, i had taken about 20 years off my life. i sometimes wonder how i managed not to kill him myself after saving him from doing it with that knife.
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Tried to start a discussion thread, but it won’t do it :(
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ofthesea Reply:
August 10th, 2011 at 8:19 am
I know, WTH? I’m driving their tech support crazy since yesterday!
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