Reason #26 – My child’s hunger cries make me laugh

Reason #26 – My child’s hunger cries make me laugh

Jun 18

Wait, “hunger cries” is wrong. Try “starvation whimpers ” or “famine death-rattles.”

They never fail to crack me up.

You see, C is never peckish. He’s never even hungry. He’s perfectly fine until suddenly he’s three-seconds-away-from-dying-of-sheer-nutrient-depletion. C must have at least 12 cylinders and a V engine, because he goes from Full to Empty in just a few miles. I will never know why I got the Hummer H1 of babies when all I ever wanted was a Mini Morris. But I digress.

Allow me to give you a blow-by-blow recount of last night’s incident, which happened as we were coming back from some last-minute gift shopping for the trip*. I was driving, C was rocking the carseat in the back with an adoring fan on either side.

So this is what I hear:

• C fine
• C happy
• C gurgling
• C clapping
• C pleased at effect on audience
• C waving (Yes, I can hear him wave. It’s my mutant superpower)
• C very pleased at effect on audience
• C attempting both at same time
• Audience puzzled
• C displeased
• C smiling winningly (See above, ye of little faith)
• C pleased that audience is impressed again
• C silent
• C whimpers
• Audience freaking out: Wet diaper? Carseat straps too tight? Is he sleepy? Did he hear about Denmark’s loss vs. Holland, which we’d been keeping from him?
• C cries faintly
• Audience debating on the advantage of calling 911 vs just driving to the hospital
• C exhales his mournful last breath: “gheeeeeeeeee…”
• Audience tearing hair out, donning sackcloth and ashes, wailing

At this point I manage to stop laughing just long enough to ask: “Could one of you girls please fix him a bottle?”

Fancy that, he revived!

…until the next time he’s hungry.

* We’re going on a trip! Overseas! I expect we’ll be hitting 3 digits before we return. Stay tuned!