Reason #54 – I refuse to give my baby Early Stimulation
Reason #54 – I refuse to give my baby Early Stimulation
Jul 30Kids nowadays really have it tough. In my time it was a success if babies could walk and talk by the time they started the first grade, but now the poor little creatures are expected to explain the Theory of Relativity in German before being admitted to Kindergarten.
Back when I was an enthusiastic mom-to-be, I signed up to every weekly newsletter offering the latest tips and techniques for turning a drooling crawler into Ivy League material. I was going to do it all: the sensorial stimulation, the language practice (Monday through Wednesday I’d speak to him in English, Thursday and Friday in Spanish, and German over the weekend,) the motor practice i.e. Babercise, the yoga, meditation and tantric diaper changing.
My baby was going to be a Renaissance Baby. Fact.
Then C was born, and I was too busy admiring his sky blues and cleft chin to remember to rub him with cotton, sandpaper and silk, and to let him roll in a tub full of uncooked rice. Yes, that was among the suggested activities. Don’t let me start on all the ways in which it’s wrong.
C is freakishly strong, and any kind of baby workout could only turn him into a Baby Hulk with superhuman chair-banging, hair-tearing, fruit-squashing power. Better not.
And the worst was that his smiles, which are plentiful and frequent, turn me into a babbling mess who cannot say anything other than “Bootiful! Gorgeous! My dahling baby luurve!” So much for bringing him up multilingual.
Ashamed of my lazy ways, I turned to Babycenter for guidance. I would do an activity with him each week to make up for my soppiness. Starting now.
Appropriate for: 7 to 15 months
Skills developed: Understanding of object permanence, hand-eye coordination
What you’ll need: Several noise-making toys; a dish towel or small blanketShow your baby a squeaky toy, give it a good noisy squeeze, then cover it with a dish towel or small blanket and let him uncover it. Then cover it again and try making it squeak while it’s still invisible (…) Substitute a toy that rattles, then one that makes a crunching noise or other unusual sound (you can make your own with a ball of waxed paper).
*yawn*
Bo-ring.
This is what I’ll do instead: I’ll run towards C at top speed, lift him up to the ceiling, give him a few belly raspberries, and hang him upside down for a while – increased bloodflow to the brain should make him smarter! After that I’ll plonk him on the nearest cushion, tickle him until he’s breathless, and kiss the bejesus out of him.
My poor boy, he’ll never be admitted in an Oxbridge sandbox.
I won’t crumple a piece of paper under a dish towel for the life of me. I’m such a bad mom.
Oh, and that Baby Einstein won’t know what hit him if we ever meet him.
That is sooo me. I was super mom when I was pregnant. Then the baby was born and the Your Baby Can Read that I saved a month for is rotting on his shelf. As he is jumping in my laugh, giggling, and farting! He won’t be smart with all the cartoons and rock music, he’s sure to have all sorts of attention problems, but hell he will be one happy kid!
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ofthesea Reply:
December 27th, 2010 at 7:35 pm
We are all supermom before we have kids, now, aren’t we? :D
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That baby stimulation stuff is for people who can’t figure out what to do with a baby without help. You think a baby really cares about anything but a boob (or bottle) when s/he is hungry, being kept warm enough, and the occasional shot of liquor? No, I did not give my babies liquor, I’m just being silly.
I was and am an attachment parent but didn’t know it until I read the term somewhere when my kids quit nursing long enough for me to read something. I’ve always been pretty casual and relaxed though. This whole ‘how to have a smarter baby’ crap is so ridiculous. I had someone who shall remain nameless tell me when my kids were babies that I was missing ‘the window of opportunity’ when they were less than 2 years old!!! Well, they are (unschooled) teens now, and both can walk, talk, read, write, and converse with another human being on many different subjects. They can also cook dinner, use a computer, knit, and do many other useful tasks. Turns out they didn’t need a crinkly black and white block shoved in their faces, didn’t need for me to rotate their crib bumpers (which would’ve been silly since neither one really spent any time in the crib) every week so as to provide visual stimulation, and all that scooby doo before age 2 didn’t turn my son into a vegetable.
elizabeth recently posted list of soap varieties I have available right now
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ofthesea Reply:
August 10th, 2010 at 9:52 am
Rotate crib bumpers?? Some people have too much time in their hands!
I’m sure your kids are way smarter than many “Einstein Babies”.
And good on you for teaching them to knit! We must keep knitting alive!
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Know what I did with my kids? Sat them in baby swings, turned on a Baby Einstein DVD, and went about my merry way. And also talked to them like they were a human being, not a moron. Seemed to work out just fine! I’m routinely told my two kids have better comminucation skills than most children their age.
So eat that “super moms.” EAT IT!
Jenni recently posted Moving 2 Kids
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ofthesea Reply:
July 30th, 2010 at 8:39 pm
Hell YEAH! Do you need a spoon to eat it? No? Some ketchup? A side serving of STFU?
…whew, that felt great! :D
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A tub of uncooked rice? Seriously?
I often wonder if the “experts” actually have kids.
Laura @ The Things I Said I’d Never Do recently posted Just Shut Up Already!
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ofthesea Reply:
July 30th, 2010 at 7:47 pm
Agreed! If there is one thing I find evil and objectionable and unforgivable, it’s wasting food.
It’s my blog and I’ll hustle all I want: let me refer you to Reason 35, which you may also agree with ;)
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My second kid had to teach herself the alphabet. Who has the time?
Cheryl @ Mommypants recently posted Too Late
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ofthesea Reply:
July 30th, 2010 at 6:08 pm
I’ve heard great things about Sesame Street for self-motivated kids. I’m ordering the entire DVD collection!
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He just might surprise you. Maybe he won’t be admitted into the Oxbridge sand box based on the academics of various textures, but if he’s the life of the party? They might just want him to stick around.
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ofthesea Reply:
July 30th, 2010 at 1:14 pm
Do you mean he’ll fail all his grades but he’ll be popular?
The complete opposite from me, then.
…still, not a bad future altogether!
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I found your blog from the SITS blogger challenge and I love not only the name, but the content. And I’m not even a mom. Keep up the good work :)
Miriam recently posted Wordless Wednesday – Old Barn
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ofthesea Reply:
July 30th, 2010 at 12:27 pm
Welcome! Glad you enjoy my silly posts – I’m sure you’ll find them even funnier if/when you become a mom!
..or you may call child services on me.
At any rate,welcome, welcome!
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