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Reason #86 – I want to banish my boy to a psycho military orphanage
Reason #86 – I want to banish my boy to a psycho military orphanage
Sep 16I can’t wait to get rid of my adorable baby boy, and to that effect I will ship him off to a psycho military orphanage.
For those who may not know, a psycho military orphanage is a military boarding school for orphans which is run by psychos.
That much is obvious.
What is far less obvious is how my mother jumped to the conclusion that I can’t wait to ship C to one of these worthy institutions to be imprisoned and mistreated.
It started like this:
Since today is a bank holiday here (Happy Independence Day to Costa Rica! Wee!) C and I spent the day chilling at my mom’s. We were having coffee and catching up on gossip, and after she finished telling me about the neighbour who is cheating on her husband with the cleaning lady (or the other way round, husband and gardener, can’t remember) I told her excitedly that Ms. Lilly’s middle daughter is living with her boyfriend part-time now, and how I can’t wait for her to move the heck out so C can have his own room.
*thunderclap*
“You are going to force this poor, tender little baby to sleep ALL ALONE???”
“Um… yes? It’s not like I’m sending him to boarding school. Yet.”
And then the floodgates opened, and I got to hear all about how she slept with me till I was 6 “and look how well you turned out!” (eh?) and how the poor little boy will wake in the night and cry and cry and nobody will hear him (don’t I wish) and how he is JUST A TINY BABY and way too young to sleep all alone in the world and how in the blink of an eye he’ll be 16 and asking for money and car keys (and most definitely NOT sleeping in my room!!) and how I am a cruel heartless evil person for wanting to get rid of my beautiful, gorgeous, angelic boy just so I can get some sleep.
God, how I’ve missed her!
Does anyone know how early I can ship C to a boarding school? Is the minimum age 7? Since he’s so tall I will cheat and try to get him accepted at 5. I’ll just do a Cartman-in-the-Special-Olympics and say he’s a bit slow on the uptake.
Now all I need is to find a military boarding school run by psychos.
I’m sure my mom will take care of the “orphan” part.
Love it! Especially since we know everyone in the military is psycho! Oh wait maybe it’s just my husband that is. Sorry digressing. C will be just fine in his own room. If I can put Colby in his own room with out a monitor and down the hall while being hooked to his feeding tube and occasionally oxygen, your C will be just fine too.
Apparently in the last three years I have developed super sonic hearing in regards to Colby because I sleep through him screaming with a monitor but the slightest wiggle without one and I’m wide awake. Go figure!
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ofthesea Reply:
September 20th, 2010 at 11:28 am
It’s the mommy ear: we hear what we need to hear!
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I was one of those kids that was forced to share a room with my mother until I was 9. I started BEGGING for my own room when I turned 5. And it wasn’t as though there weren’t extra rooms in the house. She just wouldn’t hear of it.
Tell your mom you’re giving him independence now so he won’t be like me and hog the entire bed in his adulthood.
My son had his own room from infancy. He’s just fine. And when he isn’t, he knows where I am. (He began jumping out of his crib and sneaking into my bed at age 2.) See, no fear of intimacy…
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ofthesea Reply:
September 19th, 2010 at 7:36 pm
I shared a room with my mom till I was pretty old too, mainly out of need, I think. I love having my own room. I’m sure C will love it too. And I will definitely love him having his OWN room!
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Military orphan schools run by psychos are hard to come by, but I’m sure you’ll find a typical military school run by them (as they all are). You would just have to be willing to admit to the DNA and take C home for holidays and such. Or maybe Ms. Lilly would be available.
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ofthesea Reply:
September 19th, 2010 at 7:37 pm
Oh, the Divine C won’t lack for people who will have him over during the hols. If I play my cards right I may never have to see him again! ;)
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Oh, the awesomness. I’m actually looking into boarding schools for the girl for high school, and the first time I mentioned this to my mother, she just about had a stroke and said, “NO! I’ll take her! She can come and live with me!”
Um. Yeah. Because the point is that I want her gone, not that I want her to have an excellent education. Oh. And I want her gone.
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ofthesea Reply:
September 18th, 2010 at 7:17 pm
Love it! You’re the FIRST person I know who doesn’t balk at the idea of the boarding school! Please let me know how your search goes, I am all shades of intrigued!
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LOL I *love* this blog. Im totally addicted to it (and now your fb page since Ive found it). Im a single mom of a 5yr old who still sleeps with me. How a 50lb kid can take up an entire queen size bed is beyond me. But he does, and I get no sleep. Psycho boarding school sure sounds like the solution to me :)
PS: C is aboso-freaking-lutely GORGEOUS!!
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ofthesea Reply:
September 16th, 2010 at 2:43 pm
Oooh, welcome and thanks!
Also my most heartfelt sympathies for having to share your bed – if you boy kicks and headbutts even half as much as mine, you’re in for a treat every night!
PS: Thanks! Isn’t he? I often wonder when his real parents are gonna come and claim him!
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Briana Reply:
September 17th, 2010 at 3:48 pm
I just thought of something. What if he was switched at birth? You sure lucked out on that one!
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ofthesea Reply:
September 17th, 2010 at 4:12 pm
It’s one of the running theories. But the obstetrician would have to be a sort of David Copperfield to have whisked my baby away and made an 11-pounder appear without anyone noticing!
LOL, make sure you tell her for me that X has been sleeping mostly in his own room, since we brought him home from the hospital. There was a bit of a transition period where he wouldn’t sleep at night/in his crib but that is long gone. (To be fair X’s daddy is a pretty big guy and might squash him.)
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ofthesea Reply:
September 16th, 2010 at 9:30 am
Thanks! I tried telling her that normal people had rooms for the kids from the very start, and that I didn’t intend to remain a single mom for EVER, and…
..but no, I’m just a heartless sloth wannabe.
Gotta love my mom!
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