Reason #91 – I am cheating on my son
Reason #91 – I am cheating on my son
Sep 29Forgive me, Mothers, for I have sinned.
I am having an affair with someone else’s baby.
C suspects nothing; I have been carefully covering my tracks and acting normal. But every day after work I sneak over to my friends’ place to steal a few minutes of forbidden peek-a-boo bliss with their baby girl, while my own faithful, unsuspecting son is patiently waiting for me to pick him up from daycare.
Yes, C actually stays in daycare longer while I spend time with my baby-on-the-side, unless Ms. Lilly fetches and looks after him while I get home. Let the evil of this fact sink in for a bit: Ms. Lilly picks C from daycare and plays with him while I am 2 miles away playing with another child.
I disgust myself, but I just can’t stop seeing her. She is so cute! So pink and blonde and plump and Swedish!
I know this is hardly an excuse, but look at her! Can you blame me for falling head over heels for this little Viking beauty?
She’s just like C, only better!
(I am totally going to rot in hell for saying that.)
She’s bigger! Plumper! Blonder! Curlier! She has fewer teeth! And she’s a girl!
Ever since this little Scandinavian Lolita entered my life, I have started finding fault with my faithful and loving son, who has selflessly given me the best months of his life: “Isn’t C a bit skinny? Maybe we should feed him more. Here, I brought some Sun-In for his hair. And a curling iron. And a dress.”
(If my mother ever catches wind that I ever thought any of these thoughts, let alone broadcast them over the Internet, I am dead meat.)
Every day I swear it is over. I will be a faithful mom! I will go home and play with my gorgeous boy! I will stop coveting my neighbour’s baby!
But every day, as the end of the work day approaches, I just cannot resist visiting her. Just one more peek-a-boo! Just one more patty-cake!
What C doesn’t know won’t hurt him.
And if loving her is wrong, I don’t wanna be right!
My son is almost 11-months old, so technically, he’s still a baby. But when I see smaller babies, I just melt.
Maybe there’s a ten-step program for those of us who cheat on our babes? ;)
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ofthesea Reply:
October 12th, 2010 at 1:41 pm
Mine just passed officially into toddlerhood. Cue tears.
A support group is in order. “Hi, I’m ofthesea and I’m addicted to baby fat rolls.”
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She is adorable. Realize though that this is whole reason that people want multiple kids. Though you love your own child, you have another one because you are hoping for the girl, or the baby that sleeps through the night, or the baby the is chubby, etc…. People do not have kids so that they can be pulling their hair out dealing with them, they do it because they want something different.
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ofthesea Reply:
October 3rd, 2010 at 10:26 pm
I will print this out and save it for when I need to persuade someone to have more kids!
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She is darling. Maybe C can marry her and you will all live happily ever after. I have two girls of my own, so I have no need to cheat. :)
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ofthesea Reply:
October 1st, 2010 at 9:41 am
Now I’m jealous of you!
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Hee! You’re adorable.
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ofthesea Reply:
October 1st, 2010 at 9:41 am
Me? Bah. She is!
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I cheat on my kids all the time! Good for you coming out of the closet with it. You have to feel so much better now! (:
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ofthesea Reply:
September 30th, 2010 at 1:24 pm
I do!
On the other hand I haven’t seen my baby mistress in a few days and I am suffering from baby fat withdrawal. Augh!
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M,
No worries. Swedish babies are really cherubs. So technically you’re fraternizing with angels. That’s good for you and C. Gets both of you right with God.
Amy
Amy recently posted Keep it to yourself! – September 29- 2010
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ofthesea Reply:
September 30th, 2010 at 12:45 pm
The girl’s mother is gonna laugh her Scandihind off when she reads this! I will make sure she does.
You should see this girl with C: she tries to kiss him! CUTENESS OD!!!
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She is a little doll, but C is quite Swedish looking himself. They would make beautiful children…
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ofthesea Reply:
September 29th, 2010 at 7:12 pm
That would take my mom-dultery to a WHOLE new level of depravity!
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I feel the same way about my niece. I got totally jealous when she reached that chunky fat baby stage because Phoenix obviously came out of the womb with body dis-morphia and refuses to gain more weight than he absolutely has to. And to top it off instead of rolls he’s just all limbs.
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ofthesea Reply:
September 29th, 2010 at 2:33 pm
Before C was born I was all “I will never let my baby be fat so he doesn’t go through what I had to!” but now I’ve changed my tune to “What about one little fat roll? Just one? OK, I’ll settle for a double chin! No?”
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Harlot.
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ofthesea Reply:
September 29th, 2010 at 1:13 pm
I know, I know. I am currently sewing a scarlet A onto all of my clothes…
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You’re a hoot, and I really enjoy your writing, but I have to admit that I find the Lolita reference a little discomforting.
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ofthesea Reply:
September 29th, 2010 at 1:13 pm
I wasn’t sure about it either, TBH. Thanks for sharing your opinion.
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Awwww she’s super adorable! No wonder you have an affair with her lol. I was so smitten with my friend’s blue eyed baby girl who is a rare breed if you mix Asians and Caucasians but she have the most beautiful blue eyes with a little touch of Chinese look. Too bad they lives too far from here :(
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ofthesea Reply:
September 29th, 2010 at 9:46 am
Isn’t she irresistible? I couldn’t go see her yesterday because my car is in the shop, and I actually missed her a bit! *shame on me*
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Maybe you are looking for a girlfriend for your son.
The other option is to let C grow long hair and make him wear a dress.
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ofthesea Reply:
September 29th, 2010 at 9:45 am
Neither sounds very viable.
I think I’ll just keep having my secret affair.
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I feel the same way about a friend of mines baby!!! My youngest is now 3 and out of the cuddle phase. But the baby is just so damn cute, and loves to cuddle still. Plus I get all of the perks of seeing her without having the sleepless nights!
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ofthesea Reply:
September 29th, 2010 at 9:45 am
Last night, as I was cleaning C’s all-reaching projectile vomit, I clearly thought, “I bet the Swedish beauty never does this!”
Yeah, right.
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