The Ostrich Scale

Are you in the ostrich hunting business? The first thing you need is a surefire way to recognise an ostrich, and the easiest way to know if you are dealing with an ostrich is checking their “legitimate concern” against the ostrich scale.

Are they worried that their kid could die in a car accident if they are not safely strapped in? Since there is a 1 in 100 chance of dying that way, it’s safe to say you are NOT dealing with an ostrich.

However, if your ostrich suspect is terrified about their kid dying from food-induced botulism (as opposed to the wrinkle-reducing kind) you can label them immediately as an ostrich and back off before you tell them there is a higher chance of their kid being hit by an asteroid than dying of food-borne botulism.

Since I like living on the edge,  I will place the limit right at death by lightning. More likely than lightning? You may have a reasonable concern. Are you worried by something less likely than being hit by lightning? Shake those feathers, baby!

The Ostrich Scale, v.1:

Not an Ostrich

Heart Disease     1 in 5

Cancer     1 in 7

Stroke     1 in 23

Accidental Injury     1 in 36

Motor Vehicle Accident     1 in 100

Just a Worrywart

Suicide     1 in 121

Falling Down     1 in 246

Murder     1 in 300

Assault by Firearm     1 in 325

Fire or Smoke     1 in 1116

Borderline ostrich

Natural Forces (heat, cold, storms, quakes, etc.)     1 in 3357

Electrocution     1 in 5000

Drowning     1 in 8942

Air Travel Accident     1 in 20,000

Flood (included also in Natural Forces above)     1 in 30,000

Officially an Ostrich

Legal Execution     1 in 58,618

Tornado (included also in Natural Forces above)     1 in 60,000

Lightning Strike (included also in Natural Forces above)     1 in 83,930

Snake, Bee or other Venomous Bite or Sting     1 in 100,000

Earthquake (included also in Natural Forces above)     1 in 131,890

Beyond Ostrich

Dog Attack     1 in 147,717

Asteroid Impact     1 in 350,000

Tsunami     1 in 500,000

Fireworks Discharge     1 in 1,000,000

Food poisoning by botulism     1 in 3 million

Notes:

1. These are lifetime causes of death, not infant causes of death. I got my lists from Livescience.com and Planetary.org. They quote extensive sources, including the American Cancer Society, the National Safety Council, the International Federation of Red Cross and Red Crescent Societies and the World Health Organization.

2. This list will be expanded, refined and illustrated in time, hence the version number.

3. We are not joking around here. I repeat, we are not joking around. Ostriches are a very serious threat to our children’s wellbeing and to our own sanity, and they must be dealt with in a ruthless and scientific manner.

Down with ostriches!